"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."
If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
I stood with the pious and I didn't find any progress with them. I stood with the warriors in the cause and I didn't find a single step of progress with them. Then I said, `O Allah, what is the way to You?' and Allah said, `Leave yourself and come.' ~ Bayazid Bastami~
"The thing we tell of can never be found by seeking, yet only seekers find it." -Bayazid Bastami
"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” -Dr. Joyce Brothers
Bleh. Feel like free-writing whatever crosses my mind. Til I'm satisfied.
Not feeling too well, not the best way to start a Monday, but hey--I'm not complaining, I've got too much in life to be thankful for. I'm not starving from hunger in some refugee tent or burying a loved one...life is good alhamdulillah. It's just one of those days or one of those moods maybe, and the pain that's still with me from my accident, likes hanging out with me, so the little annoying nag has followed me around this weekend and I guess now wants to keep me company in starting the week. Heh.
I drank a red-eye coffee this morning (coffee with shot of espresso) and I've got the jitters. Hope I don't start twitching or something.
I've decided I want to learn French. For the past month or two I had been deciding on whether I wanted to learn Italian or French first, as I like both of the languages, but was undecided as to which I liked more. Italian sounds so beautiful when it rolls of the tongue, where as French sounds complexingly interesting. I know how to speak Spanish, so it makes learning Italian much easier, but I would use French more realistically even if I was to travel to certain middle-eastern countries, let alone Europe. My journey with French has begun. I sometimes go to a local bookstore and pick up a Vogue Paris magazine (love fashion and styling) and since the magazine is in French, it challenges my brain cells and makes it go crazy in awe and wonder. I can pick up some words here and there, but my child-like inquisitive curiosity wants to know what else the sentence contains, what the article is about, etc. The bookstore's stuffed pretzel and cold bottle of Root Beer makes it even better of course. I'm going to work on an article every week and use a French dictionary to help me break down the words to understand it. Yep, nothing like assigning yourself homework.
The average person uses 10% of their brain. This is pathetically low and inexcusable. Imagine if we used 25% or 50% (gasp)!?!?!?! I probably use less than 10% but I'm working on it. Don't judge me. lol ;)
Anywho, my jittery caffeinated brain is running amuck and I'm going to stop typing before I embarass myself with my randomness. Hope you're having a calm, unjittery day and that you are smiling from your heart, let alone your face. :)
"In the middle of the night...In the middle of the night I call your naaaame, oooohhhhhh Yoko..." Jamming to this amazing song on my way to work, having my espresso and sweet bread, I was in quite a chipper mood. Trying not to dance like a fool in my car while stuck in traffic, I was in la-la land picturing myself dancing my legs off, but not in a fancy or cool way, but like that silly, goofy, 'what the heck' kind of way...You know what I'm talking about (don't even front like you haven't done that). It was a good feeling, it's been a while since I've felt so light-hearted. My dance partner in la-la land was keeping up with me and we fell to the ground laughing til our stomachs hurt. It was awesome, you should have been there--Oh...But I didn't invite you...sorry, my bad. Maybe next time? Heh.
I used to drink coffee a lot--guess that's what the office life does to ya, but it's been a while since I've had anything else besides my small serving of Espresso in the A.M. I helped myself to a cup of coffee in the breakroom (for old times sake) but it was disgusting...I have a strong feeling that it's expired. What the heck!? See below for suspected gross creamer:
Normally, I would not help myself to an open container of anything left by an anonymous person. Today, I felt adventurous. Major fail. Before pouring the creamer, I wondered why someone would just be so giving to leave creamer for us in the fridge and write in pretty, calm and inviting handwriting to help ourselves...Why did this person not use the creamer for themselves? I know we're in a recession and a lot of people have stopped sharing. I know sharing is caring, but a lot of people just don't care. Hmmm...this is a lesson for you and I, reader. Beware of disguised ungiftly gifts (not sure if that is even a word, but it is now, thank you).
Moving along, I hope your beverage was tasty and unexpired and that you get to soon dance til you giggle and fall to the ground laughing until your stomach hurts. I mean that in the most unharmful and kind way...no disguises. Life is beautiful and so are you.
"Misery is a communicable disease." - Martha Graham
Ain't that the truth!!! When you're immersed in such negative energy, you spread it to those around you and nobody wants to be around people who constantly drag them down. We all have our ups and downs, but when its constant and unchanging, it's not something you want to be a part of. So don't worry, be happy. :)
LOVE this song...might be my all-time fave of the Beatles. Definitely pulls on my heartstrings for some reason...makes my heart ache but also feel good. Ah, the crazy world of Maryam. This feeling sucks sometimes.
It's about that time to once again put pen back on paper. I'm wondering what's to come. It is the unknown that makes life so painfully beautiful, bittersweet, exhilirating and mysterious. Life is a suspenseful rollercoaster ride on it's own, a mystery novel in action and a movie in real-time. Let's journey...
Fueled off of a delicious espresso and some mallorca sweet bread, along with listening to Muse, R.E.M and some Red Hot Chili Peppers on my way into work, my nafs is in quite a state I must say.
Being one who thinks to herself a lot and keeps everything in, I randomly have moments where I explode with random thoughts or things I need to get off my chest. Right now is one of those moments.
Being referred to as a Hijabi Hippie, sometimes called Mother Teresa or other funky stuff, I can't help but wonder why. Actually, I think it's awesome. But in some ways that backfires I think. I don't try to be a Mother Teresa, I just give a damn about people usually or like to help some people feel better or happy because I know what it's like to be down in the dumps or in a dark place and have craved someone to take me out of it. Yes, I know that is what the Creator does, but I'm talking on a low level, so if anyone wants to go down that route, please spare me that talk.
Often do I find people using my kindness or forgiveness or patience as a way to use it against me, selfishly. People get used to me forgiving them, or brushing things off, being patient and they almost get spoiled by it. Because I try (though of course I struggle horribly and fail miserably) to better myself, people that don't care for such things, always like to call me out as if I'm proclaiming to be something great or saintly. No, fool. I'm not. Maybe I just want to better my pathetic self and stop failing so badly and make a change since the current state I'm in isn't too fun nor is it doing anything great for me. HELLO! I'm sorry, I can't sit around every day living the same old mundane lifestyle and pretend life is perfect the way it is and that I'll just continue this horribly boring cycle for the rest of my life. No thanks. I have my tests in life, I have my actions to account and so do you. I'm not going to stop trying to better myself, because I'm sorry--my Creator means a whole lot more to me than you're accusations or assumptions or desires. I dislike selfishness, yet we are all selfish in our own ways. It's our nature and it's our ego to fight against. Don't count yourself out like you are the chosen one that has no responsibility.
Those who are so used to me being all mystified and nice, think they can keep doing what they've been doing and I'm just going to stick around and be the same way I was before...keep dreaming. I am a living being and I also have a mind of my own. AKA--wake up and smell the roses...
I'm going to do what I gotta do and make sure every day I'm living, I try to make it better somehow and leave it in a way that if I don't wake up tomorrow, I won't wish I 'woulda, coulda, shoulda'.
I'm nice, but I'm not a fool. And in the end of the day, I'm a hot-blooded Afghan woman so back the hell up.
If ya didn't know that about me before, ya do now. Swallow that down with water and smile. Thanks for reading.