Tuesday, November 2, 2010

out loud thoughts

Fueled off of a delicious espresso and some mallorca sweet bread, along with listening to Muse, R.E.M and some Red Hot Chili Peppers on my way into work, my nafs is in quite a state I must say. 

Being one who thinks to herself a lot and keeps everything in, I randomly have moments where I explode with random thoughts or things I need to get off my chest.  Right now is one of those moments.

Being referred to as a Hijabi Hippie, sometimes called Mother Teresa or other funky stuff, I can't help but wonder why.  Actually, I think it's awesome.  But in some ways that backfires I think.  I don't try to be a Mother Teresa, I just give a damn about people usually or like to help some people feel better or happy because I know what it's like to be down in the dumps or in a dark place and have craved someone to take me out of it.   Yes, I know that is what the Creator does, but I'm talking on a low level, so if anyone wants to go down that route, please spare me that talk. 

Often do I find people using my kindness or forgiveness or patience as a way to use it against me, selfishly.  People get used to me forgiving them, or brushing things off, being patient and they almost get spoiled by it.  Because I try (though of course I struggle horribly and fail miserably) to better myself, people that don't care for such things, always like to call me out as if I'm proclaiming to be something great or saintly.  No, fool. I'm not.  Maybe I just want to better my pathetic self and stop failing so badly and make a change since the current state I'm in isn't too fun nor is it doing anything great for me. HELLO!  I'm sorry, I can't sit around every day living the same old mundane lifestyle and pretend life is perfect the way it is and that I'll just continue this horribly boring cycle for the rest of my life.  No thanks.  I have my tests in life, I have my actions to account and so do you.  I'm not going to stop trying to better myself, because I'm sorry--my Creator means a whole lot more to me than you're accusations or assumptions or desires.  I dislike selfishness, yet we are all selfish in our own ways.  It's our nature and it's our ego to fight against.  Don't count yourself out like you are the chosen one that has no responsibility.

Those who are so used to me being all mystified and nice, think they can keep doing what they've been doing and I'm just going to stick around and be the same way I was before...keep dreaming.  I am a living being and I also have a mind of my own.  AKA--wake up and smell the roses...

I'm going to do what I gotta do and make sure every day I'm living, I try to make it better somehow and leave it in a way that if I don't wake up tomorrow, I won't wish I 'woulda, coulda, shoulda'. 

I'm nice, but I'm not a fool. 
And in the end of the day, I'm a hot-blooded Afghan woman so back the hell up.

If ya didn't know that about me before, ya do now.  Swallow that down with water and smile.  Thanks for reading.

(exhale)

Phew. that.felt.great.

2 comments:

Adam said...

Where do u work? Once my cousin suggested I shudnt listen to music cuz it is the influence of the dajal. When he did I remember thinkin if the worst thing the dajal made me do is listen to music then I'm doing alright(tho I didn't tell him that). As I read this post I thought about how after a recent party where a friend was giving me a hard time about something I refuse to do I reflected tht on tht day I will not be answering to my friend but to Allah swt!

Maryam Noori said...

This is true. We have to try our best and let the Creator do the judging, rather than letting His creation do so.