How sad..

How sad,
A lover of life has fallen
She has too many burdens to take it all in
When she’s hit rock bottom, her positive thoughts are always stallin.
To her creator she’s constantly callin,
She’s impatient, constantly teary-eyed and bawlin,
Doesn’t want nobody to break her “personal box” wall in
Wherever she goes she has on her back her problems that she’s haulin
Once a strong woman who walked confidently, now she’s crawlin.
The things she once loved, she now finds appalling.
Her meditation, spirituality, the devils slowly uninstalling.
Nobody she wants to speak to, this chick is constantly blogging,
Forgot about the great things she did, constantly rememberin her downfalls and—
Imperfections.
Anticipates the nightfall when—
her mind will sleep,
Her mind also her enemy recallin
The wrongs in her life.
All this negative energy is building like a snowball and
Has frozen her mind.
She needs her heart’s coils to unwind.
She knows she can no longer be blind
to God’s mercy and love combined in this test.
Needs to break out of this box that has got her confined,
Accept all the great offerings that she so quickly declined.
Has to rebuild her reason of existence she had so clearly defined.
Wants to go back to the days where she was so entwined with the most Merciful’s love.
See, she has all of this so perfectly outlined,
But its useless if she doesn’t take a step back and rewind,
Remind herself of all the tasks to which God had her assigned,
Years ago there was a promise that she made, a verbal contract she signed,
That she will no longer dance with the devil, the destroyer of mankind,
She’s gotta let go of her baggage, leave all the b.s. behind
And work back towards the days of when her heart will once again shine,
This lover of life realizes her answers are always and only with the divine..
How sad...(c)
-MN-

...

Your ways are mysteriously intoxicating...

For some reason, the more hurt I become, the more I cling to you...

You know best..

I have been so down...so hurt...so weak...felt like I was going crazy, I barely was able to speak...

Shaitan kept whispering..his was-wasa (whispers) leaving me meek,

The old Maryam would never have taken this...now she's coming back...

Woke up hurt, but stronger,
Heart bold, but softer,

I knew you have great plans for me like always...

The Master Planner has another great plan for me...

LABAYK ALLAHUMA LABAYK, Here we are oh Lord, Here we are...

Gotta hold my head up high, keep my fingers busy with dhikr,
my heart beat constant with your name, my breath at the same rythm of your glory,
and my eyes raised to your station in the heavens...

I know that no matter how lonely I get, no matter how hard I fall
or how bad things seem, that you are there with me all along....

closer than my jugular vein, as you remind us...

Forgive my weakness, my lack of iman,
and my ranting and raving... :)

I will keep asking you to not decrease my problems, but to strengthen my back and my knees, as one said...

I long for you,
I await our union,

I must...see you...
Heaven...
Heaven...that's the main goal...
I don't need to go there for the luxurious beauty, but thank you for your offerings,

I want to go there so I can see you and be with you...

Ya shafi, (O extinguisher of problems/o healer)
Ya sattar (O protector/shelterer)
yâ Musabbib al-Asbâb (O Causer of causes)

lâ hawla wa lâ quwwata illâ billâh
(there is no change or power except through Allâh/God)

Bestow your mercy upon me...

Thank you for enveloping me in your comfort and love...

I submit to you...(c)

Battle

Eyes raised,
Guns drawn,
Determination as present as life,

The aim is at my heart,
and there is no mercy from the opposition...

I stand full-fledged, peering over the hill,
waiting for the battle to end...

I have been standing here for years, taking the bullets, arrows and grenades being thrown at me...

They have no mercy,
They just know how to cause hurt...

They think they are fighting on the right team,
Thinking they are doing good,
little do they know who they really are,
and who they are really fighting for..

If only they knew...if only..
Then they would drop their weapons and run over to my hill,
where I have been standing......
waiting...
waiting for them to realize and to come fight on my side...

I'm trying to do good...trying to fight for the real One...the GOOD...not the evil...

I see familiar faces amongst the fighters...

I hear the commander shout,
I've known him my whole life...
he's the one that always asks for ''one...more...dance"...
Iblees...
The destroyer of mankind...
the devil, who leaves nothing but chaos and destruction behind...

He calls out and tells them to fire,
Not knowing there is a greater fire..in the depths of my soul..
burning within me,
The fire of pain, the fire of love and the fire of passion for doing good...
It burns..it has been burning,
sometimes weak, sometimes strong...

Come close to my fire..
Warm your cold hands, your cold heart and your cold mind...
Learn to feel again,
Then you will regret aiming your guns at my heart, your arrows at my torso and
your grenades at my mind..
You will ask yourselves how you could be so disillusioned by him,
being led to believe that I wasn't everything that you had conceived,
you forgot my worth,
took me for granted,
now all of you have gone and have left me stranded...

Don't be so unsettled,
see,
I might be on the opposition, on this lonely hill with just one body,
ridden with wounds,
but I have the greatest backup,
the strongest weapons
and the strongest batallion.
I fight for good, my leader is the Most Merciful, Most High,
my weapons are faith, knowledge and love,
my batallion is filled with angels, descended from up above...

They know why I stand here,
they comfort my pain,
telling me I must go through this to become greater,
I need to bleed my mind's stains...

I have fallen so hard, at one point I fought on that side too,
there's times where I'm still tempted,
but I know what i have to do.
Fight with the bad, stand up for the good,
I'm almost too weak to stand,
but
I know HE will never let me fall...
I finally have come to understand....

So go ahead and keep aiming, throwing, shooting,
do what you must,
I'm used to it by now,
but I do put all my trust
in knowing that this too shall pass...

I will stand here for as long as God wants me,
I will deal with each blow as hard as I must,
I know that HE knows how much I can bear
and when I'm hurtin and lonely,
I must remember I'm never alone,except with the Alone himself...ya rabb...

So here I stand,
on this hill, peering,
full-fledged,
taking every blow...

Waiting for the next round to begin,
when will it end? I don't know...

The aim is at my heart,
and there is no mercy from the opposition...

Eyes raised,
Guns drawn,
Determination as present as life...(c)

-MN-

Numb..or so I wish..

Constant emotional bleeding,

My wounds need to heal

No river of joy to dip my feet in,

I no longer want to feel...

I wish I was numb, I wish I couldn't feel,
realized I'm always being hurt for being too damn real...

How many blows can a fragile heart take?

How many more times to do I have to fix my mistakes?

How many more selfless attempts do I make

to love everyone around me and put my un-returned love at stake?

I wish I was numb, I wish I couldn't feel,
realized I'm always being hurt for being too damn real...

Can't do it no more, I gotta stop here,

I'm not able to walk any further, i don't wana face any more of my fears...

I wish I was numb, I wish I couldn't feel,

realized I'm always being hurt for being too damn real...

I know this isn't me speaking,

rather it's my pain,

Simple love and comfort I'm seeking,

where's my sunshine after the rain?

I wish I was numb, I wish I couldn't feel,
realized I'm always being hurt for being too damn real...(c)

~MN~

Thick skin

I thought I had thick skin already...

not physically, but mentally...

Get what I mean?

Faced with many a tests, troubles, sorrows, downfalls and failures...

My skin grows thicker by the day, softer but harder by the hour...

I fell so many times...

I remember feeling like I wouldn't make it....

didn't think I could take it...

But somehow the wounds would alway heal...well...some..not all...

I'm tired of my skin becoming thicker...

Thick skin...thick skin....thick skin...

Don't even ask to see my heart...that's a whole other story...

It's tattered...

torn...

bruised,

dented,

missing a few pieces due to them being ripped out by others...

I can't take it no more...just can't...I don't like going through all these tests..God forgive me...i'm being weak..

I just want to have someone mend my heart...

Ya Allah, please dip my heart in the ocean of love,

please rinse it with your mercy,

soak it in a man's soul,

conjoin it with someone that loves me,

so we can become 2 halves that make us whole...

Please Allah...

the temporary band-aids I tried to place on the cuts on my skin,

they have fallen off...

I keep trying to stitch up my wounds,

thinking each time I found the right ointment...

But you know what, ha, it always seems to rub off shortly after I rub it on...

Damn, even Benadryl works better then the stuff I been usin lately...

Free-writin...free-writing...more like my cuts are bleeding right now...

I'm here, late night, sleep has escaped me

Trying to find bandages to soak up the blood, to ease the burn...

But nothing is working right now...nothing...

It's seeping through my pores, God...it's seeping...

No matter how much pressure I put on it, it won't stop flowing...

Is this your mercy or your might?

O my Lord, O my Beloved...

Please...

I can't do this anymore,

I want new skin...

Tired of the tests...(c)

-MN-

random explosion

tired of cryin,

tired of cryin,
tired of cryin...

too damn tired...

don't want my throat achin every day....

i gotta stop the madness, i know there's a way...

tears are too dry to cry,

eyes burning and sore,

heart sore from pain,

i can't take this b.s. no more...

i'm weak, a victim of the devil,

crawling on my knees,

constantly being kicked down,

tired of screaming out constant pleas,

running in the dark,

legs aching, ready to give up,

scars and bruises all over,

from falling down constantly on my face...

Tired...i'm so damn tired...

i'm not here to complain,

just wish i could escape this hell-hole

and wash away my pain...

Tired of cryin...

Tired of cryin...

Tired..so damn tired...

Can't cry no more...

can't cry...

don't wana cry...

my backs tired of being broken,

my heart's tired of being shattered,

my thoughts need to be spoken,

my thoughts are frustratingly scattered...

Someone come wipe my tear away,

someone deservingly right...

the one who wipes my tears,

for my love, he will put up a fight,

become the calmer of my fears

but thats nowhere to be found,

its just a pipe dream

I'm tired....

So tired...

can't...

-MN-

sharin is caring...

Thought I'd share some of my favorite stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/profile_favorites?p=r&user=mnoori83&page=1

there are more uploads to be coming soon...

feel me..

word...

Life's song...

Just you and I here in my thoughts..
Just you and I…
You and I…
You..
I have stayed too far for too long…
I have forgotten the rhythm to life’s love song…
I became deaf to the tune of my heart’s strings…
I lost the feeling of the earth’s drum beat in my core,
I stopped hearing the birds sing…

I heard Your song again yesterday,
You touched my heart with so much love,
I realized how far I had strayed,
Forgetting that you always watch me from up above…

Oh God,
I don’t ever want to miss a beat,
I don’t want to forget my life’s tune,
Waiting for the day we finally meet,
Not sure as to how soon…

The comfort you grant my heart,
Incomparably deep,
I’m ashamed for keeping us apart,
I can’t tread on this road alone,
My hill is way too steep…

Through pain-ridden sobs, I reach out for you,
Scared you have left me on my path,
But how can I think such things,
When your beloved mercy outweighs your wrath?

I cling to you, never wanting to let you go,
I’ve been learning my lessons you have been teaching me,
I’m coming to know what I need to know,
I feel your caring guidance as my problems increase
and my faith continues to grow.

My heart is now beating to your beauty’s rhythm,
Your love is seeping through my pores
I will keep our conversations deep within
I won’t give up the burning passion for your favor which is instilled in my core…

I’m dancing…and singing…to the song you planted in my heart…
My life is changing chorus,
My verses are changing,
My ears, heart and mind has finally opened to you again..
Just you and I today,
You and I,
You…
I…©
-MN-

dancin with the devil...

(*fyi, Shaitan is the arabic term for evil/the devil..just like satan..)

Shaitan's got his arm around my waist...
holding me tight so I can't run..
he won't let me go,
he wants to dance with me forever...

He spins me across the room,
blurrying my sight..
Dips me and follows me wherever I go....
Yet he tries to take the lead...

Whispers in my ear as we sashay across the room,
Reminding me of my sadness and pain...my troubles and sorrows...
Watching my eyes well with tears, he twirls me round and round,
giving me ideas of making it all better...

Dancin with the devil...

Dancing...(c)

MN

Inspirational Poetry Open Mic
Saturday, August 23, 2008
7:00-9:00 p.m.
Daily Grind Coffee House and Café

9000 Lorton Station Blvd.
Lorton, VA 22079

Next to Lorton Station VRE
Parking Available
Please call 703-371-3431 for Pick up, 6 p.m.at Franconia/Springfield Metro Station (Blue Line)

For More Information Contact Karen: kmrpoetry@gmail.com 703-371-3431

phone call to God...

Oh God,

so its you and I again..as usual..like always...

i'm here with a plea, but what's new?

being selfish..asking for things, but not doing enough of what you ask...

thank you for always humbling me with every test...

thank you for pushing me to my knees in humility...

thank you for leaving me crying and clinging to you...

i need you more than ever right now...

and i know that there were others times where i probably needed you more...

but my mind is aching...

my heart is breaking

and my body is shaking...

through choked sobs, my breaths i'm taking...

my smiles i'm faking

and slowly my mindful awareness is waking...

it truly is just me and you...you and i...we...

night and day are no different now...

it's just you and i...

when i'm tossing and turning in bed, you are the only one that hears my cries...

you are the only one that listens..

the only one that cares....

after making my dhikr (remembrance, meditation), you are the one that grants me some sort of relief...

i do everything in fluid motion, as if i'm watching some movie...

nothing is real here...as you say, all of this life is but the comfort of illusion...

ya allah, clarify my vision from this illusion as you have before...

i am treading towards you in this ocean of madness...

i will not give up as each wave crashes down on me and tries taking me further away from you...

i will not give up...

i will not...

will not...

grant me relief my beloved Creator...

ease my aching heart....

bestow your mercy upon me as you have countlessly...

i pray that i pass your test...

i pray...

pray...

thats what i must do...

pray....

forgive me for being distant...

thank you for remembering me...

thank you for calling me again...

thank...

you...

ya rabb...

-MN-

random...thoughts for the day

So it's friday and I have some friday fever, sitting here at work...
I just can't wait to get out and inhale the fresh air deep into my lungs...

It'ssssssss friiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddaaaaaaaayy...
I don't remember the last time I've really had a chance to kick back and just chill.
The past few months have been so hectic subhan'Allah, but it's okay, i gotta get back on track...
I wish I was in LA with my younger cousin Pashtana and her mother Simin...ever since my cousin passed recently (Masood--Allah yirhamu), I just want to be there with them helping them out and being a big sis to Pashtana...At the same time I'm glad to be here as well so I could be here for my friend Husna, after her father (Mahmood--allah yirhamu) passed away (the day after masood died subhan'Allah)...

I'm going to go kick back with one of my girls and insh'Allah politick for a bit...

I've had some crazy responses to my posts lately...
I don't know why people take things so personal...the world doesn't revolve around us...it revolves around everyone...
I've had people hit me up and email me and message me in all sorts, putting me down or talking to me harshly, defending themselves, saying they aren't 2-faced or living double lives, blahblahblahblah...but I was never referring to anyone in specific to begin with...
Unless people have a guilty conscience, i don't know why they would think it's all about them..if you aren't that way, then why would u even think it would be referring to you...I don't even know most of these people but they hit me up defending themselves and putting me down to make themselves feel better...
I didn't have any ill intentions..i just was writing my thoughts...lol..that is what a blog is for, AFTER ALL.....feel me...

I was told by one individual to not share my thoughts with the world...clearly people that are looking at blogs don't know what a blog is...

And for future reference, for whoever that decides to comment, please don't come at me side-ways or approach me rudely...i am not a rude person and i don't ever treat others rudely,...so i shouldn't be treated that way either...and for those who personally tried to attack me..i didn't even talk to you rudely, so why would you do that to me?

Seriously people....where is the Adhab(character,behavior)? What ever happened to that?

I will keep writing and I will keep expressing myself...
Insh'Allah may my Creator guide me towards what is right and take me from what is wrong. I will not change, but only for the better...insh'Allah (God-willing)....

Anyways,
I needed to get that off my chest...that felt good...hehehe...
i love life..throughout all the thick and thin...the hard and complicated....the good and the bad,
i love life more and more each day...alhamdulillah...

stay tuned...
~M.N.~

So while I was looking up a pic for marriage for my post below,

I saw this picture and thought I would share..lol..so freaking cute...

By the way, my "marriage or not" post caused a lot of reaction..it's great having a lot of comments,

Thanks to all of those who posted!!!

Partner..

My partner in life,

The 2nd gender to my soul,

the other half of me,

the one who makes me whole,

My tag-team partner,

constantly tryin to progress,

the one who takes my hand

and helps me pass life, the biggest and greatest test...

The one I wake to in the mornings,

the one who completes my smile,

the one I admire so fondly,

the one who makes everything worthwhile,

The father of my children,

the king of my throne,

the one who my heart let's in,

the one always holding me, never leaving me alone,

The one whom I grow old with,

the one whom shares my pillow,

my sunshine after the rain,

the one whom i can't let go..

My husband, my friend,

the one I'll love til the end...

waiting for the day i meet you,

so my jaded heart can mend...

-Maryam Noori-

Marriage..or not...

Marriage...marriage...marriage...

I am soooooo tired of hearing it...

What was something I once looked so forward to, is now something I am cautious of...

Am I bitter? I don't know..maybe? I just definitely am not too fond of it right now. Everyone says ''oh my God, you are sooooo beautiful, you must have hundreds of guys after you!" "What does a guy like me have to do to get a girl like you?" "How is a girl like you still single?"..and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHHHHH....

that's a great question...and i have a variety of great answers...eh..

A good man is hard to find, hence the word MAN...there is nothing but little boys all around me...yes..even 35-year-old little boys....So much talk about wanting to settle down and get married, but they still act like they're 10 years old...is it too much to ask for a mature man who can buck up and be serious and for him to know what the hell marriage is about?

I am definitely on a roll right now..haha, i do sound pretty bitter right now...

Oh well, fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need, according to L Boogie...

It's true...this is reality and truth...

I'm a grown woman and I don't have time to play games...I hate stagnating, I hate when people take their sweet time in trying to ''achieve'' a goal, or people just not trying hard enough to get something...

I guess it is better to just stay married to yourself...I might really hit up the "Adopt 3 refugee kids and 2 kitties" plan rather than marrying someone who can't share my world or want to share my world....

I guess a good man is too much to ask for these days....

That's why I'm gonna just stop asking...

Better to deal w/ my own b.s. than have to put up with someone else's...

That marriage stuff obviously ain't for me. Maybe I'm put on this world to give all of myself to humanity and the rest of the world...I'd rather die doing that than die unhappy and miserable with a man I don't even love...

Ugh...I shudder at that thought..may God keep me far from that...amen...

Most people are 2-faced or live double lives or can't keep it real...I'm too real to put up with that..WORD!!!!!